Ouch!

Well the week is almost over and I almost didn’t have time to add my All You Need This Week … entry. But I just made it before the weekend . So all you need this week ....

This week all you need are crazy injuries, well you don’t really need them, but you do need some songs to get through them. You see since we last spoke I witnessed a horrific soccer injury. Tim, our star Rampage striker, “dislocated” his ankle on Sunday. Are you saying “Dislocated ankle? I’ve never heard of that”. Lucky you. Basically it means his foot was no longer located below his leg and moved to the side. When I was holding his leg up waiting for the ambulance I could see the bottom of his leg bone. Nasty nasty nasty. I almost passed out (because I’m a wimp). At the ER they knocked him out and put his foot back into his leg so it was facing the right way again (see pic of Tim after he woke above). The amazing part is that he didn’t break anything, don’t know how that is possible, and even more amazing is the fact that he doesn’t even need surgery. Crazy.

Speaking of indestructible people, did you hear the news on Keith Richards this week? According to USA Today:

“Keith Richards’ fans gathered outside a hospital Sunday where the Rolling Stones guitarist was believed to be undergoing treatment for a mild concussion reportedly suffered when he fell out of a palm tree on vacation in Fiji.

One newspaper also reported that Richards, 62, got on a Jet Ski after the fall and had another accident. Several Australian and New Zealand media outlets reported the fall from the tree.”

Quick, what’s the difference between Keith Richards with a concussion and Keith Richards without a concussion? I don’t know either.

Keith Richards on a jet-ski…. I can’t even imagine how funny seeing that would be.

Unfortunately the latest news is that Keith actually has some brain hemorrhaging. No word on whether that was caused by the fall or he’s had it for the last 40 years. The Doctors are worried the brain injury might cause him to slur his speech and wobble a little when he stands. I have no doubt he’ll have a miraculous Tim-like recovery.

So in honor of these injuries All You Need This Week …..

BRAIN DAMAGE by PINK FLOYD for Keith

For Tim, I would have done RED RIGHT ANKLE by THE DECEMBERISTS for Tim but it was his left ankle, and it wasn’t really red, it just was sorta detached. Something from the soundtrack to MY LEFT FOOT would be more appropriate. I could also have quoted PLANET TELEX by RADIOHEAD:

“You can force it but it will not come…Everything is broken. Everyone is broken.” But as stated, NOTHING was broken!

So instead all Tim needs this week is from SOMEWHAT DAMAGED by NINE INCH NAILS off of the album FRAGILE (thanks Mrs. Hops!):

“Broken. Bruised. Forgotten. Sore. Too fucked up to care anymore"

Here’s wishing them (and the other injured Rampage players out there) speedy recoveries.

Worst. Band. Ever.

I noticed that a band called The Locust was coming to town to play a local DC venue, The Black Cat. This news actually reached me via email, and from Ticketmaster no less. So I thought, could this be the same band I had hear about from my friends Twisted Tim and Long Island Paul? Indeed it was. For some reason, people (mostly little people - as in teenagers) love this band. Obviously they have a following if Ticketmaster feels the need to let me know about their show coming up. What I don’t get is WHY. They could be the worst band I’ve ever heard. They’re so bad if you added me into the lineup I could only make them better. I can’t sing, I can’t play an instrument and I was blessed with citizenship status in the Rhythmless Nation and I'm still more talented. That said, their drummer can move his arms pretty fast.

Tim and Paul had the luxury of seeing these guys as opening band once. They only caught the last ten minutes but here were their comments on the show:

Paul: “We didn't even get to see them do any vocals. By the time we saw them, it was 10 minutes of feedback. I'm not exaggerating on the 10 minutes either.”
Tim: “I think my ears are still recovering from that 10 minutes”

Check them out for yourself. Notice the crowd, Lame City:

Blow by Blow with Paul and Tim

A while back Long Island Paul and I had some banter about the Guns ‘n Roses Video “November Rain”. We had some much fun doing this Blow by Blow we’re doing it again, this time with another Strong Islander, Twisted Tim. And we decided in honor of baseball’s opening day we’d choose this ‘classic’ by Damn Yankees, “High Enough”. This ‘supergroup’ features members of Styx, and Night Ranger and of course Ted Nugent. Our running commentary can be found below:



Long Island Paul in green, Twisted Tim in red, Hops in Blue

0:02 - What is this, a porno scene?
0:12 – Why was the sheriff just sitting there when the guy comes sprinting by no more than 10 yards away? How did the cops all know he was going to be there? Why didn’t they shoot him BEFORE he ran into the house if they were there already? Apparently because Molly Ringwald was hitting on him.
0:43 INCREDIBLE sunglasses.
0:47 - This is such a supergroup that Eddie Van Halen could only be a part of it if he agreed to play drums.
0:47 - Wayne on drums...
0:49 - ... and Garth on lead vocals!
1:01 – Always cool to see the bass player singing. You would think since they are a “super-group” they could find a better place to jam then a burned-out gas station.
1:07 – “I didn’t know what to say when you called me Baby”. He couldn't think of anything to say?
1:09 – Ted, you’re a huge rock star, millions of dollars. You can upgrade the Casio watch.
1:11 – I’m pretty sure he’s drumming in his pajamas.
1:17 - Welcome to the new Calvin Klein ad... Seriously. You can tell that girl wanted nothing to do with him either. She turns her head instantly and licks her chin. She was counting money, so obviously she wasn’t really in to him. Just his wad.
1:37 -I also like how they differentiate the storyline from the band by going from black and white to color. Oh no, wait, they throw that out the window at 1:37.
1:40 – I like how they throw footage of them practicing in there.
2:14 – Best entrance in a video EVER
2:18 - What's going on with Ted's lower body? And why can't we see his right hand? Looks like the end of a "hand party."
2:51 – they should get an award for having video of them running right when the band sings “running”. I guess these aren’t the types of guys to ever go for subtlety
3:02 - Sorry honey, but I'm not getting caught. I'm going over first... Like I said, she is just in it for the wad.
3:15 – Sorry, we have a new winner for best video entrance EVER. On top of that, he's in black and white, so it means Ted is now part of the storyline! He's protecting the bad people! I lost it when the flowing cape matching his guitar made an appearance. He rocked so hard in the solo that bullets actually deflected off of him. And he definitely put the entire bag of Big League Chew in his mouth before shooting the video.
3:15-3:36 - Worst. Shooting. Ever.
3:30 – Do you think the actors playing the cops actually wished they were shooting at guys from Night Ranger and Styx? They probably would have done us a favor taking a few of them out.
3:47 – do they were sleeveless shirts and skirts in jail?
3:52 – Wait, now it's in color. I'm confused. Who directed this, Ed Wood?
3:52 - Now that we've riddled the house with a couple hundred bullets, maybe it's safe to go in.
4:01 - What's with the priest, is she really getting the chair? In Ted Nugent’s world everyone gets the chair. God Bless America. I’m still confused about what they did. They clearly robbed al liquor store. But don’t you think that the police force is a bit excessive for some old fashioned robbery? That's what I was getting at. We never see him with a gun or acting like he killed someone...where does the chair come into play here, even with The Nuge involved? And if she is just in it for the money, how does she not work out a deal with the cops to trap the other guy and avoid the chair? I guess blondes really are that dumb...
4:32 – She was in jail so long her blonde hair dye ran out.
4:37 – Now we know where that annoying Pearl Jam poster with Eddie Vedder leaning against Jeff Ament that everyone had in college came from.
4:49 – Well, now we know who directed it, M. Night Shamyalan. Twist ending, Ted (still packing the gum) is the priest! He's in their world now! So is he going help kill her? I realize he snuck in as a Priest but is he there to help spring her from jail? That wouldn’t make sense since he never met her, he just wailed on guitar outside her house. Maybe he’s just there to help execute her. Nugent loves a good execution. I think he dresses as the priest to read her last rites, but then he rips off the robe and collar to reveal his hunting gear and executes her himself with his bow and arrow. Now THAT would be a great ending to the video.

An Inconvenient Lineup

"I wanted to get the Stones, but Cameron thought John Mayer was better"

If you were throwing a live concert for charity and had to think of the cause that would get you the best possible line up of bands what would you choose? AIDS, Child burn victims, 9/11 widows, Lactose intolerant cows? How about Save the Planet? Not terrible. You figure for good old Mother Earth you'd get at least a few great bands out. Well apparently not. Check out the lineup for Al "Grateful" Gore's Live Earth event:

Pharrell, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Bon Jovi, Paolo Nutini, Sheryl Crow, AFI, Melissa Etheridge, John Mayer, Damien Rice, Corinne Bailey Rae, Duran Duran, Snow Patrol, John Legend, Black Eyed Peas, Akon, Enrique Iglesias, Fall Out Boy, Maná, Keane, Kelly Clarkson, Korn, Faith Hill w/ Tim McGraw and Bloc Party.

The only band I’d be excited to see in that whole mix is Bloc Party, and I’ve seen them before. They’re good, but nothing special live. Like Al Gore himself, the bill is full of people who might have been respectable at some time but are kind of also has-beens. I’m looking at you Bon Jovi, Snoop Dogg, Sheryl Crow, Lenny Kravitz and Duran Duran. The Chili Peppers and Foo Fighters are both respectable today, but neither really would make me brave the crowd that is expected at the sites. I mean, could he at least have gotten U2? Bono loves a good cause.

I just hope Kelly Clarkson has to follow Korn.